There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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