My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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