this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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