I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize