I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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