I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
