What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
