i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize