you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
