You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize