I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
