We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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