There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
