i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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