I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
