Your dad touched me again.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
