The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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