my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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