omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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