I bet he comes in French.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
