Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I am naked and annoyed.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
