I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
