Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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