you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
