Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm determined to sit on that face.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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