Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
