He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
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