remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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