I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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