Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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