just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just pynch a tree in the face
He kissed a someone with a penis
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
