someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
