I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
