You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
