don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She bit a glass in half.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
