Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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