You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
