Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
