Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize