I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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