I faked an abortion last night.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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