if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
