I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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