Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize