Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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