you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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