my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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