i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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