guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
How does it feel to date your dad?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
