I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
