I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize
