smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We had sex on a dog bed..
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
