I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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