I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
