we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize