no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
