his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
