It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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