What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
