Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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