i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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