I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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