talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
worst night to have a conscience
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
