Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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