she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
