I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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