My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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