I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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