Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
