Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Randomize
