I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
